I empathize so much with the toxic work environment that leaves you questioning your worth as a human (not to mention "am I actually capable of doing this job I thought I was crushing before all this?"). In September I left the most insidious, toxic group I've worked in to join another team in the same department. I still have PTSD and am extraordinarily subdued compared to when I started at this company 5 years ago. I doubt my value, my skills, and capabilities on a deep level professionally, and wonder constantly whether I matter on a personal level. No amount of "we won't hurt you here, this team is nice" has helped me get over this.*
*note to self, unpack with my therapist soon
I am very glad you realized the damage your job was doing you, and that you could get out. It's scary to make a change, and there's a decent chance you'll feel like a failure for not being able to hack it at some point, but not being shat upon comes with its own weight that definitely more than makes up for the anxiety you may feel about taking such a risk.
If you aren't in therapy, please find a good one. It's made all the difference for me in the 1.5 years I've been going.
I'm glad we're still in touch! Thank you for sharing your experiences so transparently.
Thanks Catie--Indeed, I'm glad we're still connected after so many years (and states)! I'm sorry to hear you went through something similar, and that it's lingering. I do know that feeling, unfortunately.
I'd offer a baller reading list of books and such that help one through burnout/abuse/PTSD, but so far I've been let down. A lot of understanding the problem, not a lot of "And here is how you get back." Which...is...interesting.
Therapist, yes. Yes yes yes. I have more than one. It's a whole thing. I'll write about that stuff more by and by...
The most honest post yet...beautiful!
I empathize so much with the toxic work environment that leaves you questioning your worth as a human (not to mention "am I actually capable of doing this job I thought I was crushing before all this?"). In September I left the most insidious, toxic group I've worked in to join another team in the same department. I still have PTSD and am extraordinarily subdued compared to when I started at this company 5 years ago. I doubt my value, my skills, and capabilities on a deep level professionally, and wonder constantly whether I matter on a personal level. No amount of "we won't hurt you here, this team is nice" has helped me get over this.*
*note to self, unpack with my therapist soon
I am very glad you realized the damage your job was doing you, and that you could get out. It's scary to make a change, and there's a decent chance you'll feel like a failure for not being able to hack it at some point, but not being shat upon comes with its own weight that definitely more than makes up for the anxiety you may feel about taking such a risk.
If you aren't in therapy, please find a good one. It's made all the difference for me in the 1.5 years I've been going.
I'm glad we're still in touch! Thank you for sharing your experiences so transparently.
Thanks Catie--Indeed, I'm glad we're still connected after so many years (and states)! I'm sorry to hear you went through something similar, and that it's lingering. I do know that feeling, unfortunately.
I'd offer a baller reading list of books and such that help one through burnout/abuse/PTSD, but so far I've been let down. A lot of understanding the problem, not a lot of "And here is how you get back." Which...is...interesting.
Therapist, yes. Yes yes yes. I have more than one. It's a whole thing. I'll write about that stuff more by and by...